Back in May 1994, I was born on the small island of Jamaica. I grew up there until I was 12 and afterward moved to the United States. My time in Jamaica was very formative. I had a religious upbringing in a Seventh Day Adventist Church, where I learned a lot about the stories of the Bible. I remember learning to read by practicing on the Bible! I went through a lot of different transitions and situations in my childhood, and my response was to become very introverted and to always look to avoid conflict. I practiced deceit to avoid conflict, I became a “people pleaser” to avoid conflict and when that didn’t work, I just suppressed my emotions to protect myself from the exhausting emotional stress of confrontations. I handled many situations in this way and soon enough, I felt like I had built a wall around my heart I didn’t even know how to breach.
Growing up, my biggest dream was to become an astronomer. I loved looking at the stars and learning about the planets. I had a burning curiosity to understand our world and the fabric of reality. This burning curiosity, along with reading different sci-fi/fantasy novels became an escape for me. I was very cerebral, analytical, and I loved to just think about things. Relationships became less and less important to me and soon I began to care less and less about those around me. I became very selfish and self-focused.
Moving to the United States, to live with my Mom, was another big transition in my life. Our relationship was very strained because of my selfishness and how little I valued relationships. After a few months of being in the U.S., I started attending a private Christian school (which I now realize was a part of the Christian Churches). Going to this school sheltered me from a lot of things I would have been exposed to, had I gone to a public school. In this period of my life, I was strongly influenced by the Christian faith and I gained a strong sense of morality. Everything we learned was from a Christian perspective (even our textbooks were written from a Christian perspective). However, the problem with being self-focused and believing you have a strong sense of morality or knowing right from wrong is that you become self-righteous. In addition, because of the fallen state of the human heart, what we believe to be ‘right from wrong’ is always skewed to our benefit (that is why we need Godly wisdom to define right from wrong for us!). It was almost impossible to convince me that a decision I made was wrong. If I was wrong, it was never my fault, but the result of some outside source or person.
These qualities I developed grew and reached the very depths of my heart as the years went on. Add more deceit, lust, sexual impurity, and pride and you have a pretty messed up human who doesn’t think he’s messed up. I compared my life and actions to that of others and I considered myself to be a pretty good person. I started college at the University of Maryland in the fall of 2013 fully intent on tackling the existential questions I’d had since my childhood. I decided to study physics because I wanted to prove to myself and others whether God existed or not. There were times when I believed God existed, but then after really thinking about it, it seemed preposterous. Yet when I thought about nature and the order of things I would snap back to my senses and realize how even more insane it was to believe God did not exist. I had a clash of worldviews I was finding difficult to work out. Eventually, I had to leave the University because of accrued debt and I really had no way of paying for it. This was shattering because year after year I could find no solution to return to school and continue in what I had made my purpose. I moved back to College Park, MD (the city where UMD is located) to live with some friends I had made in Cru (a campus ministry I had been a part of during my time at UMD). I was mostly looking for a job, but I was really hoping somehow I could make it back to school by just being closer in proximity.
One night on my way to a Cru meeting, I met a guy named Sanmi who invited me out to Bible Talk. I respectfully declined and told him that I was already going to a Bible discussion. This happened a few more weeks until we eventually exchanged numbers and agreed to hang out at a time that didn’t conflict with each other’s schedules. We went to see the new Ghost Busters movie and he invited me to church. The Sunday morning I was supposed to go to church, I found out I would have to spend almost 6 hours at church! I was already dressed and ready to go and when Sanmi, who was on his way to pick me up asked if I still wanted to come, I truly believe the Holy Spirit answered for me. I went to Church and I was blown away. I sat next to this guy named Dale Bryant who had a lot of energy and was hilarious. After service, he asked if I wanted to study the Bible and I agreed. Almost every day for the next two weeks I studied the Bible and was convicted by the truth. I realized I wasn’t a true Christian and that there were things in my life I needed to change. I was humbled by realizing I was wrong in a big part of my life. I repented and was baptized on February 12, 2017. When I think back on all these things, I see God’s hand orchestrating my life so I could fulfill my true purpose of becoming a disciple and being conformed to the image of Christ. My testimony doesn’t end there though. Even though I repented of the obvious sins in my life, my heart needed and still needs a lot of work. I’m reminded of the scripture in Ezekiel 11:19.
“I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.”
Ezekiel 11:19 (NIV)
My hope is for a new heart and a new spirit that will move me to obey God’s law out of love and not duty. I can’t change my own heart; I wouldn’t even know where to begin. What I do know is that when I acknowledge my flaws and humble myself before Jesus, he can and will heal me if I have the desire to be healed and if I believe that he can heal me. Those were two of Jesus’s most powerful questions to those he healed; “Do you want to get well?” and “Do you believe I am able to do this?” Now, as a disciple of Jesus, slowly but surely my heart is being changed. My relationships are being healed and I’m learning how to love others like Jesus did. I still have a long way to go, but I have a lot of hope because of Jesus.
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