ANGER MANAGEMENT

GUEST EDITORIAL: ROB ONEKEA

When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. – James 1:13-15

What stirs up anger within us every day? What brings about our human nature to get upset? Is it that driver on the road that honks at you for changing lanes or the person in front of you at a grocery store that seems to be moving slower then creation? Or how about the person at the fast food restaurant that you ordered food from and they forgot your hamburger and you’re miles away? The bible is very clear how our attitude should be towards anger.

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. James 1:19

God desires for us to be righteous and anger is just not a part of that plan. The key in this verse is to be quick to listen first off. It takes patience to listen. It takes interest in someone else to listen. Then we need to be slow to speak. I’m sure it doesn’t mean to talk very slow like Dora in Finding Nemo, but to think about what we are about to say before we say it.

Being a parent you learn this very quickly. When one of my sons does something wrong my first instinct is to discipline him out of my anger, or frustration at the situation. But when I take a few minutes to evaluate the situation, think about how I should approach the issue, then speak on it with a more Godly attitude, I have a much more patient demeanor with my son and it helps the conversation to be more Godly and less venting, resulting in taking a little longer to “become angry”.

One of the key things to dealing with anger is watching how we react to situations in our life. I struggle almost daily with discerning what I say to people, or how I respond. I understand if I blow it with someone, the chances that they will come to church or study the bible pretty much go out the window. James was so accurate when he said “If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.” James 1:26

Keeping a tight rein on our tongues seems like an easy task, but when we put our guard down for even a moment, Satan will use it to get a foothold and start steering us towards the path of destruction. He continues to say the tongue is like a rudder on a large ship that can lead the ship anywhere it wants to take it. So is the same principle with our mouth. If we react to situations with an ungodly attitude, we start to change course.

Why do we get angry in the first place? I believe it’s because “You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want.” James 4:2. The root of anger comes when we don’t get what we desire. We can’t drive as fast as we want because the person in front of us is going way to slow. We have to wait a bit for the person that is supposed to meet us therefore making us late. We want to do what we want, but our wives want to do something else, so we have a bad attitude The list goes on and on. We don’t get our way and it upsets us.

The key to overcoming anger is to be content. “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” Philippians 4:12 When we are content, our desire for things drifts away, therefore so does our desire to get angry. If we are content that we are going to be late and accept the fact that getting upset won’t make us early, then we’re fine. If we are content and realize that by worrying about a bill won’t make the bill go away or if we’re content to be married to the most amazing wife on the planet, and her needs come before mine, then we would never fight.

When we realize that it’s our selfish nature that causes us to get angry, then we get one step closer to overcoming our anger. It is not a very complicated understanding really when you think about it. We desire something, something hinders us from getting it, that something then causes us to get angry, we react to that something in a negative way, and we get angry, which gives birth to sin, which then leads to death. So the next time someone cuts you off on the freeway, try letting someone else cut in front of you as well. If someone owes you money, think about someone that you owe money to. If someone’s attitude is making you struggle, think about how your attitude can tend to make other people struggle the same way.

With many challenges that we face, the key to overcoming is to look at the root of where that challenge comes from. It is no different in every aspect of our spiritual walk. If someone struggles daily with impurity or looking at internet pornography, the core of that struggle is selfishness.

They are struggle with desiring something that he or she does not have which causes them to want it even more. They would much rather please themselves and fulfill their sinful desires. Those individuals often say “If I have something on my computer to block me I wouldn’t struggle with pornography.” While true, the nature of that individual is still to desire to be impure, thus the filter simply makes it harder for them to complete their quest for sin. It is the same way when we become angry.

Now, anger is not always sin. There are two types of anger in the bible. The first is a “passion, energy” definition of anger, very similar to when David heard Goliath defying God’s people, and secondly, there is an “agitated and boiling” type of anger as Judas described when perfume was used on Jesus and he felt that it was a waste of money. It is important for us to clearly understand the nature of that anger.

Unfortunately, in my walk with God for the past 22 years I have constantly battled with anger, impatience, frustration and irritability when things don’t go my way and I’ve hurt many people along the way, more specifically, my family. It is something that I’ve battled and had many failures yet have also experienced my share of successes by being obedient to the scriptures. I am committed to overcoming this war within myself.

Another source of my own anger management comes from anxiety that builds up within me. The definition of anxiety is as follows: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. In some of the most basic interactions, I find that my anger stems from the anxiety that dwells within me. If my wife and I have an appointment at 1:00pm, my goal is to arrive by 12:45pm. My thought process of that is to take into account the drive time, parking, getting to the location, and accommodate for traffic. That means my desire is to leave with more then enough time to do so. If my wife happens to take a little longer to get ready, selecting an outfit, changing 3-4 times before being satisfied, determining which pair of shoes matches her outfit, and finally putting on makeup. Now I’m all for my wife looking amazing when we go out as long as she does it with enough time to reach our destination. This however is not always the case. In my thinking I get so worried that we’re going to be late that I begin with the simple, “honey are you almost ready” which then escalates to the “we really need to leave”. During this time my anxiety is building up, then I start to get impatient, causing me to get a little short with her then my anger starts to rear it’s ugly head when I makes statements like “we should just cancel”, or “you better call them to tell them that you’re making us late”. None of which are very loving on my part. Then I find myself sitting in the running car waiting, which by this point has already had it’s effect on my heart. So before we even leave our home, I’m feeling angry and impatient simply because I did not get my way.

Think of Jesus when he went to the temple and saw the people making a spectacle of his father’s house by selling animals to sacrifice and other items. He was rightfully angry! But he stopped, wove together a whip which I’m sure took some time to do, he cooled his head then responded with Godly anger. This is the difference between reacting or responding. A reaction is when we act out on the first thing we feel when a situation occurs. A response is when we pause for a moment to asses the situation and contemplate how we are going to respond righteously.

I have yet to master my anger, but I have committed to following 1 Corinthians 9:27 “No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.” By this and only through our obedience of the scriptures will we ever be able to “manage our anger” and overcome any challenge in our lives with a Godly perspective.

You partner in the faith,
Rob Onekea