BITTER OR BETTER

GUEST EDITORIAL: JEANNE MCGEE

When she knew she was pregnant, she began to despise her mistress. Then Sarai said to Abram, “You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my servant in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me.” Genesis 16:5

Miriam and Aaron began to talk against Moses because of his Cushite wife, for he had married a Cushite. “Has the Lord spoken only through Moses? They asked. Hasn’t he also spoken through us? And the Lord heard this.” Numbers 12:1-2

“Don’t call me Naomi, she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.” Ruth 1:20 In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. 1 Samuel 1:10

When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!” 2 Samuel 6:20

These scriptures contain clear examples of directly stated or implied bitterness. Although sin is not gender specific, some sin appears to be more common among one gender than the other. Bitterness is one of those sins. Men are surely not exempt from ‘bitter roots’ but women just seem to be predisposed to it. Perhaps my bias comes from looking back over my own battle with bitterness.

As a young disciple, I was a stay-at-home mom with preschoolers. Because I was at home, many disciples called on me to watch their children or to do them favors and I always complied with false humility. Inwardly, I resented being asked assuming they should just see how burdened I felt. The resentments grew into a deeply buried bitter root and consequently I was not able to see, receive or give the grace of God. Sadly, the bulk of my bitterness was toward my closest relationship. We had daily contact with one another and our children were together constantly. In my perception, I felt she took advantage of our friendship by asking me to watch her children while she ran errands. Every time I was around her or even thought about her, I felt bitter.

After living in this tormented state for years, I finally confessed the ugly truth to my friend. She seemed shocked and hurt but she quickly forgave me. Twenty years later, when she made the decision to leave the Lord, she shared candidly with me how much I, along with many others, had hurt her over the years. I realized that she had become the bitter one but her words pierced me because I knew there was truth in them. Her faith had been defiled; at least in part by the way I had treated her.

Another consequence of what I think of as the ‘years of blatant bitterness’, was the damage it did to my relationship with Jack. Although Jack worked long and hard, six days a week to allow me to stay home while our children were young, I resented him. I was bitter that I had to serve him when he came home because I was tired from the day and did not like denying myself. Once again, I submitted to my role and served him, but always with bitterness of heart. I never said it, but being an intuitive person, Jack sensed my heart and felt pushed away. He began to get with brothers after work to exercise and hang out. As a result, he would get home even later. Our marriage suffered severely.

Twelve years into our marriage, we went through an intense counseling session that came through a ‘reconstruction’ of the church we were attending. I saw for the first time the damage my bitterness had done and I repented, confessing my heart to Jack. He in turn, confessed to me that he had been tempted by another woman from his past who was interested in him. Though he had not given in to her advances, it would only have been a matter of time before my bitterness would have driven him away; as it was, it had caused plenty of trouble in our marriage.

See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Hebrews 12:15

The irony is that while I was so bitter, I felt justified, even victimized. Like Sarai, I blamed my friend and my husband for their treatment of me. I thought that if they changed their behavior, I would not be bitter. What I have learned is that circumstances don’t make me bitter; the way I view them leads to bitterness or to growth if I acknowledge that God has allowed me to suffer to make me a better vessel for Him to use.

Naomi understood that God allowed her trials but she did not know why until later. It was not to make her life bitter but better. Her suffering brought her back to God’s people. Every hardship that I have had to endure has become a ‘talent’ allowing me to relate to more people. I would never have chosen to suffer as God has allowed me to but when I look at my suffering and see the refining it has produced I am grateful. Is your suffering still your excuse to be bitter or are you allowing it to enable you to become better?

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:6-7

God has allowed my heart to change over the years as a result of much weeping and praying when bitterness plagues my soul. He doesn’t always change my circumstances like He did for Hannah, but when I wrestle in prayer, He will change my heart and the bitterness subsides allowing me to become better. I get plenty of opportunity to experience this type of transformation, because bitterness is a default sin for me. I am tempted with resentful thoughts nearly every day.

Just a few days before I wrote this article, I woke up feeling bitter. I had dreamt about my first husband who had been unfaithful and abusive. I had an overwhelming feeling of resentment that God had allowed me to dream about this unhappy time in my life. I should have felt relieved when I awoke to know that it was only a dream but Satan had his claw in me and I knew I had to wrestle in prayer. After crying and praying, I still felt unresolved. I had been reading Deuteronomy for my quiet times and I went there to continue but when no heart change came, I prayed that God would direct me to a passage that would meet my needs. I began to flip through the Bible and ended up in Job.

The godless in heart harbor resentment; even when he fetters them, they do not cry for help. They die in their youth, among male prostitutes of the shrines. But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction. He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food. But now you are laden with the judgment due the wicked; judgment and justice have taken hold of you. Job 36:13-17

I was drawn in by the first line: when I harbor resentment in my heart I am godless. God and resentment do not share a heart; God will leave. Then in his mercy he will allow us to be fettered which means to be chained and to have our freedom restricted. He does this in the hope that we will seek the truth, which will set us free, but as long as we want to harbor and protect our resentment, we will not even ask God for help. I felt fettered that morning but I definitely wanted to seek the truth and be free of my resentment.

When I read the next line I told God that I was sure the one thing I had never been was a male prostitute, but immediately I thought about how I had prostituted myself to the shrine of bitterness over the years and I am sure that this is as offensive to God as the thought of male prostitutes is to me.
God had allowed me to suffer the first marriage perhaps to teach me or perhaps it was just a consequence consequence of my own folly; either way he had delivered me and nearly 40 years later, on this particular morning, He was speaking to me in my affliction.

God was wooing me back to a spacious place free from restriction, a place of comfort with a table laden with choice food. That place is found through facing the truth and repenting and the result is a table laden with the fruits of the Spirit.

Until I return to that place of comfort, I am laden with the judgment due the wicked; judgment and justice have taken hold of me. When I read this verse, I had an epiphany; God will allow me to suffer the judgment that is due those who have sinned against me if I remain bitter against them. In bitterness I laden myself with the judgment due the wicked. It is not my place to judge even those who have hurt me; it is only my place to forgive, and even more to be grateful that they caused me to suffer!

After all this, my heart was still heavy. It wasn’t until Jack, who was aware of my emotional state as a result of my curtness that morning came and took my hand and said “Let’s pray”. Before he even started the prayer, my heart softened. In retrospect, I decided that God did not allow my heart to change until that act of kindness on the part of my husband had occurred so that I might see the mercy of God. He had rescued me from a damaging, worldly relationship and given me a mighty man of God who loves me and leads me. I went on to experience a day ‘laden with choice food’.

As I mentioned earlier, I have met many women who also struggle with bitterness. Actually, not all of them struggle with it, some just surrender to it like I did when I was younger. At times my struggle with these women is that I not allow myself to get bitter about their bitterness! Obviously, Satan has a great victory when he can get us to do just that. Bitterness is logically directed toward those we know best: family members, spouses, and disciples we are closest to because these are the people who have the greatest opportunity to hurt us. As women we have a plethora of reasons to resent our husbands, fathers, mothers, sisters and brothers, in the world and in Christ. Maybe they don’t dance in the street like David or marry Cushite women, but they can embarrass us, infuriate us and deeply wound us through their actions and their words.

My own father was verbally and physically abusive. He was an angry alcoholic who seemed to me to have a penchant for creative cruelty. It took many tears, prayers, scripture reading and the perseverance of many patient disciples to heal my heart of the hurts that I harbored. By the grace of God I was able to come to a point of genuine compassion for my father and true forgiveness.

God gives us examples in His word of what to be and what not to be. Michal was cursed as a result of her bitterness, as was Miriam; whereas, Hannah was blessed. The first two voiced their bitterness and defiled others. Hannah cried out to God and was heard. My goal is to be like Hannah and cry out to God instead of running to another person to vomit my bitterness on him or her. Sometimes it takes a while to overcome, as it did with Sarah and Naomi but God in his mercy continues to lavish His love on us that we might learn; the quicker we learn, the less fettering we will experience.

If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8:31-32.

The truth is none of us ever has an excuse to be bitter; when we are tempted with bitterness, as disciples, we have the power to be victorious over our temptations and live an unfettered life free of resentments filled with the fruits of the Spirit.